Please Let Us Please You

People pleasers, raise your hand! This episode is for you!

Do you feel like you can never say no to anyone around you, whether it’s your boss, friends, or family?

Have you been yearning to be more aligned with your authentic self and desire the ability to say no to people and things that do not serve you?  If so, as two recovering people-pleasers, let’s dive in and talk about how we can make moves to put up boundaries in order to take care of ourselves first.

In this episode, Kara and Jack discuss people-pleasing, how it has impacted their lives, and how they are both recovering from their people-pleasing tendencies.

We have both struggled with people-pleasing in the past and have helped each other as well as our clients to finally break out of this vicious cycle.

In this episode, you can expect Jack and Kara to talk about:

• Where is people-pleasing coming from and why is it so hard to say no?
• How you can start to get comfortable with standing your ground
• How to create boundaries that finally work for your life and career

Want to watch this episode instead of listening? 

Click here: https://youtu.be/-NhYu7zg7Fs

About Kara: Kara is the CEO of Optimized Career Solutions, an Executive Career and Leadership Coach and a Forbes Contributor. She is a Senior Professional in Human Resources (SPHR) who has spent her career as a Corporate Recruiting Leader, working closely with

decision-makers. Throughout her career, Kara has personally reviewed over 300,000 resumes. Through her executive coaching programs, she has helped thousands of professionals land their dream jobs and has been responsible for negotiating over $10 million in salary increases over the last few years.

About Jack:  Jack is the COO of Optimized Career Solutions, an Executive Career Coach, and comes from a life coaching, personal training, and philosophy background. As the Accountability and Mindset Coach in their coaching program, Jack is passionate about helping high achievers and leaders live impactful lives by shifting mindsets, gaining personal accountability, and achieving personal and professional wins that lead to major life transformations. As a high ticket sales closer, Jack has sold over $1M in high ticket sales in under 3 years.

Email – thedennisondownload@gmail.com

Website – https://optimizedcareersolutions.com/

Kara LinkedIn – https://www.linkedin.com/in/karadennisonsphr/

Jack LinkedIn -https://www.linkedin.com/in/jackrdennison/ 

Instagram - @karadennisonsphr and @jackrdennison 

Tiktok - @karadennisonsphr

Transcript

in my job in corporate when I was
working in HR
I worked 16 hour days I ended up in the
hospital I could not say no to my job
and when I met you jack you were living
in this situation with your family
and we love them
but you couldn't say no right still have
a hard time doing it still have a hard
time doing that and I couldn't say no to
my family either
and so when you're so deep into people
pleasing
you don't know what you need or what you
want right
why is that
welcome back to the Denizen download we
are pleased to have you listen today we
are going to be talking about something
fun today invite fun strapping
already strapped on
you're already strapped on is that right
yeah when it comes to this what do you
what do you got strapped on
a lot of emotional baggage I don't think
you understand what I'm trying to joke
about oh I do I do
we do have a lot of emotional baggage uh
strapped in and strapped on for today
um
yeah we are we're super pleased that you
are listening today
the title of the episode I really want
to call it uh please let us please
because we're so good because we're
making others happy
again
Musser my lady
you tell me how to pretzel and I'll
pretzel right away for you
is this is this anybody else out there
does anybody else do this is anybody
else
got a drawer a closet full of masks that
they wear
and I got them on the Shelf over there
Jack and I are what we like to call or
recovering people Pleasers
and by recovering we are still very much
recovered
that's the beauty of transformation
that's an everyday thing it is an
everyday thing
this this one gets us heated
this one gets the seated
why does it get you heated Jack
it gets me heated because I feel like
I've just wasted energy like like I just
I had an opportunity and I just as Chris
Farley would like to say right
you know when he takes the truck and
then he destroys it or you know anything
Chris like where he's going and he's
just destroying whatever thing he's
doing that's how I feel when I people
please it feels like I've got this
beautiful thing and I just wreck it
you know why it makes me upset why
all those people that I work so
hard to please
most of them aren't even in my day of
life anymore
I spent so
much time
so much energy
so much of my life
I think it's
hilarious
because I remember things that I've done
to please people that I bet you they
don't even remember
no because to them it's just you showing
up normally and but what they don't
realize is that in your head in your
brain as you're doing quadruple
backflips and bending and flipping and
on the trapeze and balancing act all
just to do the thing for them that they
see is normal
unexpected unexpected oh that's the next
one
and the day you don't
what's wrong
are you okay
something's different
you're not the same
you know I think you're you're going a
bit too far
did you change
why are you so angry
I think you should try this
hmm
yeah
so if you couldn't tell
today's episode this week is about
people pleasing
and
Jack and I like I said are recovering
people Pleasers and why we say
recovering is because it is a daily
thing
just this week
I think we have those faces
we have those faces that say we have 37
years
about practice
pleasing you please take advantage
he looks like a friendly face
looks like she's got a smile that says
take advantage of me
just this week on Monday
I have three people
three people
former clients
who are my current clients that do not
have
are not in my unlimited coaching program
now
here's why I am telling you this there
are people who are listening we have
designed a program where you get
unlimited access to me and Jack
unlimited access
why
because we want to please you
no no well partly but also because for
these people who are in the unlimited
coaching program
we are there in an unlimited capacity
where you can book on our calendars as
much as you want
and the reason why is because we want to
be there for you when you're in this
program so that we can ensure that we
are helping you through every step every
unique and weird situation that comes up
in a job search because they do
and every day and in this program we
have four group calls
throughout the week so every single day
except for on Fridays you can get face
time with myself or with Jack or our
other coach Rebecca who is a badass and
you can also book Unlimited on our
calendars now
we do charge
an investment in order to get unlimited
access to us but we also
provide free consultations with us so
anyone who is interested in working with
us in any capacity gets to talk with
myself or Jack at this point in time
one of us for free
so between this program between our free
consultations and between all of the
other things that Jack and I do in the
day we're pretty busy
anyway so on Monday three this is this
just burns I got three people who have
been former clients of mine not in the
unlimited coaching program but in other
stuff reach out to me and ask for time
on my calendar
This Is Not Unusual I get these requests
almost daily
almost daily hey can I just grab a
couple minutes of your time can I just
grab 15 minutes can I just have a half
hour I have this weird and unique
situation in my job search
we get that that's why we have this
unlimited coaching program we just have
one question just one question just one
question
and so I do my best because again I'm a
recovering people pleaser I've spoken
about this uh openly and people know
this and they uh have heard it and take
advantage and it is okay
um well it's not but here we are
um and so they email me and they message
me on LinkedIn and they find other apps
that I use and they send it to me and
they asked for just some time on my
calendar and I've gotten to the point
after this this medical issue where I
just do not have the energy and the time
that I can spend like I used to
where I finally have put up a calendar
where you can buy time on my calendar
and man has that pissed people off
I just pissed people off because I do
offer pre-consultations but additional
time
is gonna cost because I have dedicated
my time to my team
to my unlimited coaching program clients
to all of the other things I have to do
and also to rest so that I can recover
and I can make sure that I'm at my best
if I were to give
a half hour of time to those three
people on Monday and to the three people
who asked me every single day almost or
at least one person every single day
because it's at least one person
I'd be giving away nine solid weeks of
time a year
and I want to ask you listener anyone
anyone out there
would you give up nine times nine weeks
of your time for free for someone to
pick your brain
how much is your time worth
and yet I continue to do this
and so finally I've had to put my foot
down and I said here you can book some
time on my calendar it'll cost you
or I still continue to answer their
questions via email and messages why do
I keep doing this Jack it takes time for
me to type up messages via email but I
just want to help people and the reason
why this is so frustrating to me is
because I literally have over 500 videos
on tick tock
500 videos for free for free 500 free
valuable tick tocks where people can go
and get answers to their questions on
Tick Tock but instead they message me
and then I go find The Tick Tock and I
send it to them
but the reason why I do this and provide
so many videos on Tick Tock and now this
podcast and and I hire a and pay very
well a well-rounded marketing team and
provide so much value and write for
Forbes and all the stuff is to provide
fee value and yet it's never enough nope
and so I want to ask I want to ask the
world the universe and you jack what's a
recovering people pleaser to do
when all the free value that they
provide is not enough
boundaries
that's it
for some of us those boundaries need to
be a little bigger than others I know
I wanna so that unfortunately for myself
um
that required for me
change the location yeah right I'm now
16 hours away from where I grew up by by
car two hours by playing
and
I really had to figure out where those
boundaries were
I had actually before I even figured it
out I had to just put them there I just
had to put them there because I knew I
needed something I knew I needed to
figure something out and it wasn't until
I put them there that I even started
figuring out what areas of life I needed
to grow and change yeah because
then I finally was with myself
and I finally had time to myself to
figure out what does Jack want what does
Jack need yeah and
I think can you stop right there for
just a second
what does Jack need
I think that this is so critical for
people who are people Pleasers
because I am the same way
or I was
so I want to step back and tell a little
bit of our stories if you don't mind oh
let's do it let's start the key and I
want to talk to our people Pleasers
because yes I just went on a rant about
how I can't it has a hard time it let me
rephrase there is a hard time that I
have for me to say no when people ask
for for time on my schedule the reason
why is I love helping people I love
helping people with their career
especially people who were former
clients of mine absolutely but
Jack and I are severe people Pleasers
and so yes it's hard for me to say no
when people want my help but it
activates something at me yeah but it
was more severe than that
in my job in corporate when I was
working in HR
I worked 16 hour days I ended up in the
hospital I could not say no to my job
and when I met you jack you were living
in this situation with your family
and we love them
but you couldn't say no right still have
a hard time doing it still have a hard
time doing that and I couldn't say no to
my family either
and so when you're so deep into people
pleasing
you don't know what you need or what you
want right
why is that
I think it comes down to just
identity and
we all have a self-want for an identity
we all want to be able to know who we
are
and what intrinsically comes with that
is how others view us and
because that's kind of how we're taught
from when we're kids right your parents
are telling you don't do that don't do
that right do this make sure and you're
taught in school you know proper
etiquette do things a certain way and
when you're constantly filtering the
world through others eyes what are
others thinking of me when you're
thinking of that you're perception of
self can very quickly become wrapped up
in that Viewpoint of how others see you
and now you derive value from that
because this person liked our
conversation oh my God I must be
valuable yeah I'm a valuable person well
the fact is is
that other person
was just looking for you to show up how
they expected you to show up but the
fact is is you have autonomy you get to
choose how you want to show up back you
don't have to show up how that person
expects you get to control your energy
you can control the terms of Engagement
and that's something that I think a lot
of people aren't necessarily equipped
with because of what's he granted us as
kids and the story that gets told to us
over and over again and
the fact is is yeah we need our families
we love our families we do we all love
our families but the fact is sometimes
as an individual
for you to be the best version of
yourself you need to be removed from an
environment that could potentially stunt
your growth in ways and
I personally
was in an environment where my growth
was stunted because I wasn't able to see
past the immediacy of my life I wasn't
able to see past
that one day and the options also
weren't there so
I had to wrap myself up in what others
perceived of me because I needed to feel
valuable I didn't see value from myself
from what I was doing for myself and how
I was setting up my life
because I was
just middling around in mediocrity
and not planning a future so if I was
thinking of my self-worth in those terms
there wasn't going to be much the only
way for me to have self-worth was to be
of use to others and so I became very
good at becoming of use yeah
when I think and and thank you for
sharing what I think is it kind of comes
down to
love
acceptance
and like you said value and
from I mean even from when we were born
right growing up all we as humans really
want to feel is is loved is valued is
accepted
and
I don't want to speak for you but I know
for me I didn't love myself
I didn't value myself I didn't accept
who I was and so
I started looking for that outside
everywhere that external validation and
I realized that I I started getting
really good at pleasing other people
right because I was really good at
observing first and noticing what they
wanted
out of me and so I would deliver
and that got me uh acceptance
from other people
but it got me further and further away
from who I actually was
and who I wanted to be and my authentic
self
and what it ended up showing me
or or what happened in my life is
it created this almost game almost like
a lie right of
um
Keeping Up Appearances keeping up or
incorporate what happened is I I pleased
I'll volunteer I'll do that I can do it
and then all of a sudden I became that
go-to person right oh well Cara can do
it and I started getting promise
promotions right like the dangling of
the carrot but they couldn't promote me
because they'd have to hire four people
to replace me I was doing all the work
yeah and I was using my sick days and
working on sick days and vacation days
because I was desperate to get ahead
desperate to be shown and valued and
loved
but it was so inappropriately placed
because none of those people none of
those things could truly love me back
because at the end of the day I didn't
even love myself because I didn't know
who who the hell I was
you know I I think that who knowing who
you are it's it's really hard to do that
when you're when you're changing
yourself into all these other molds that
people it expect you to be and it wasn't
really until I kind of dropped that
completely that I actually had a a good
three to six months stretch of just
figuring it out and figuring out who I
wanted to be who who I wanted to show up
in the world as and I think that a lot
of people we just get caught up in the
day-to-day of living life right because
it's required we have to live life got
to pay bills but
because of the structure of our
environment because of the roles we
assume or the roles we learn
we don't get a chance to actually be
with ourselves and then learn who from
being with ourselves where we want to go
what we want to improve on what do we
want to get better how do I want others
to see me
irregardless of how they already do how
do I want to show up in the world
authentically and
I think
for both of us just the rat race of Life
capped us from being able to see that
and ultimately having that self-love at
the level to where
we could embrace the change because I
think I knew about self-love I think I
loved aspects of myself and I think I I
taught you some of that but I don't
necessarily believe I fully had it for
myself because I fully didn't understand
who I was
and one of the things that I learned
along the way
was
not everyone is supposed to like you
yeah that one was tough
yeah what a big pillow swallow
what a big pill to swallow
especially as a people pleaser I mean I
got really good and I think you did too
at getting pretty much everyone that I
met to like me
are you kidding
I had I I think I had pretty much the
entire contact center floor in love with
me except for maybe one person and that
one person was the one who worked harder
to
people please I'm sure
yeah yeah
I got really good
and then I realized
everyone is supposed to like you
the the mind-blowing moment for me in
this journey of self-love and
self-acceptance and self-respect was
our jobs
are to show up
as authentically as possible
and allow others
to choose
whether or not
we're for them yeah
that is empowering as hell but also
scary
oh this is so scary it is because that's
a slippery slope right yeah because as a
recovering people pleaser it's very easy
to not show up appropriately on that
call especially if you don't know who
you are especially if you don't know who
you are
so I know we're kind of coming to the
end of of our episode today and I don't
want to leave people hanging like this
kind of sounds depressing
you know if you're a people pleaser but
it's actually the most fun I've ever had
learning about myself it's one of the
most challenging things but it's the
most fun I've ever had it is the most
fun so
one of the ways that I started breaking
this this pattern right one of the one
of the biggest ways that we started
breaking this hat uh pattern together
and honestly I'm a huge advocate for
this but it's not possible for everyone
um we moved to the middle of nowhere we
moved to the middle of nowhere
um it was
it was like hitting a reset button on
our line I'm talking 20 minutes to a
Walmart people yeah our town literally
has
uh do we even have a stop sign a
stoplight we do not have a stop light we
haven't we have a flashlight blinking
the school zone but that's it yes
um and a Dollar General and two gas
stations that's it that's our whole town
and we have 500 people
um so middle of nowhere literally middle
of nowhere
um our closest family is about an hour
and a half away
um and Jack's family is in South Florida
and so why this was so important to us
is for the first time in both of our
Lives we had to rely on each other
and no one else
and literally no one else we couldn't
even get Uber delivery over here um I
still can't still can't
um
and so this was a big thing for us
because all of a sudden it was a forced
to reset it was that Catalyst change
that we talked about in the last episode
and so
um obviously if you can afford to if it
makes sense for you if you're a remote
worker if if you can do a big shift or a
big change and a big Catalyst obviously
those things are are big uh clearly we
are big advocates for changing jobs
those are a huge shift
um what we teach in our unlimited
coaching program is um with our our
burnout coach Rebecca is how to heal
from burnout how to set boundaries how
to start over and not carry that baggage
with you if you can't do that because we
understand
making a big Catalyst change like that
what are some actionable tips to start
to just start with that self-acceptance
that self-love
um that self-respect and to start
setting some boundaries when it comes to
to recovering people Pleasers like
ourselves do you have any tips number
one is be intentional with your time
yeah
really get a schedule and build in time
for yourself
build in time away from the chaos away
from the things that are going to cause
you to people please you and if your
schedule is not permitting we need to
make time
because making time
really allows you then to have time with
yourself in the quiet
and it's not until everything else shuts
down that you can finally hear that
inner voice
yeah
um a tip that I would give you is I
would do
I would spend this next week and do an
audit and audit sounds sexy
um no here's the audit that I would do
is
when it comes to the people in your life
that you spend the most time with
I want you to just do a check-in with
yourself
how do these people make you feel
right and when I say that I mean
do you feel like you can be yourself
around them
do you feel like you can
tell your secrets your funny stories do
you feel like you can act like yourself
you can kind of uh let your hair down
unbutton the pants like that type of
stuff with them or do you feel like you
have to be performing
are they energy vampires or do they are
they energy expanders for you
um
those are typically good tells for me if
they are sucking my energy and I feel
like I'm constantly having to perform
I feel like maybe it might not be them
it's me people pleasing
um the other thing that I would say is
auditing your thoughts right I like to
say putting up your curiosity filter so
when a thought comes in and it feels a
little intrusive where it's like
um especially if it's negative towards
yourself
don't beat yourself up about it just
start thinking about why why am I
thinking this where is this coming from
is do I need to be thinking about this
and just be curious about it
um because a lot of times when it comes
on my it comes to self-acceptance
self-love things like that it's not
necessarily needing to stop the thought
in its track the first step is being
curious about your thoughts and actually
noticing them so if you find that this
episode kind of resonated with you and
you're trying to become a recovering
people pleaser like us or you find that
you're getting resentful around some of
the people that you hang out with
because you feel you're constantly
giving
take a look take a look at the people
around you and how you're feeling after
or while you're hanging out with them
and set up a little bit of a curiosity
filter around your thoughts either when
you're with them or when you're with
yourself and looking in your mirror
any less thoughts Josh
really just take the time for yourself
take the time take the time to be okay
with yourself sit with yourself you're
the one person you're going to be with
till the last second you're not here
anymore and um the more comfortable you
can be being alone with your thoughts
your emotions and
accepting who you are and and and truly
feeling good about that feeling good
about who you show up as who you wake up
as who you should you help people as all
of those things matter and really just
pour the time into yourself focus on
yourself and you're gonna be able to
overcome this people pleasing habit yeah
I'm sure we'll be doing more episodes on
this in the future because it's
something that we're continually working
on and
um if you are happening to be watching
this on YouTube drop a comment and let
us know about
you're people pleasing what you've done
in order to grow your self-acceptance
your self-respect things like that and
by the way did you know we're on YouTube
go ahead and check us out we will have
information in the show notes wherever
you watch your pod or listen to your
podcast and watch us on uh YouTube you
can check out our smiling faces
um and thanks for listening from our
family to yours be great and have a
great week
thank you



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